Monday, October 28, 2013

Friday, April 6, 2012

The truth about Kim Kardashain and Kanye West

Normally two of the world's least likable people finding each other would be kind of sweet, but when it's merely just the result of a quote taken out of context something must be done

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

More In The! (Everyone else already stole ‘More Sex’)

I like Sex in the City, it reminds me that if I was a far more attractive man I could be having sex with far less attractive women, and the more attractive I got the older the women would be! Yay.

Without these kinds of positive messages in the media I don’t know how bad my diet and exercise regime would be, but lets just say my exercise is excellent and my diet is like what I seven year old dreams his will be when he grows up. I guess the lesson is I am wary of getting too attractive, for now. It’s the same reason I am avoiding being too rich, I have seen Two and a Half Men, and it appears women will throw themselves at pretty much anyone who has a beach house, only they are really stupid and boring women, I don’t want those, plus I have already toyed with being really, really rich and it didn’t get me so much as a cuddle, so what’s the point. (Unless you can afford your own helicopter, hmmmm, Ok I’m willing to be rich again one day).

My favorite episode of Sex in the City, and I have seen all of them (I kept waiting for Ron Livingston to show up, and I like him, he was in Office Space, and then I watched Carrie torture the poor guy, and kept watching hoping her character would be raped in the park and then have a pair of her ridiculous shoes shoved in her anus, but alas the writers didn’t have the guts to give the viewers what they wanted, shame on you) but my favorite was when Charlotte is stressed because her new husband is struggling to maintain erections during sex so she decides to always have sex without taking her bra off and then basically make fun of him for failing to keep it up. Then she tells all her friends, so he can’t go to any event they are at without feeling humiliated. Then one of them writes about his erectile dysfunction in the paper! Ha ha, you nasty bitch! You have absolutely destroyed him. He’ll never get an erection again. It might be the cruelest act ever shown on television, and fittingly the most realistic portrayal of marital sex ever shown. Then she divorced him over it but still took his multimillion-dollar apartment. It’s almost like it’s a documentary. It should be shown to all men before they are allowed to marry.

“Now you understand grooms, that this show is very, very popular among women, that means (shudder) women approve of the behavior you’re about to witness”.

The point is TV land executives in their endless pursuit of trying to invent the most unwatchable show in history have officially announced they are making a Sex in the City prequel show. The big talking point of course will be whether or not they can find an actress willing to wear that ugly chin mole Sarah Jessica Parker wore on the original, I vote for yes! But on a far more intimate spot.

Guy getting ready to give oral sex to Carrie – ‘Um Carrie, please tell me you were (shudder) eating chocolate chip cookies earlier, with your vagina’

This reminds me of something I read in the paper this week. In an article talking about actors who have put on weight for movie roles the paper was referencing Toni Collette gaining weight to play Murial in ‘Murial’s Wedding’, and quote:

‘PJ Hogan (the writer and director) had a lot of difficulty finding an actress who was prepared to gain 18kg to play his title character convincingly’

YES. Writers and directors actually do not know that fat people ALREADY exist. They think they have to be CREATED! That’s how poor their understanding of society is. Finally an explanation about why so much crap is made.

This also explains the movie out at the moment called ‘The Change Up’ which is about two best friends who accidentally change bodies. Upon discovering what has happened they spend the next few weeks in a sauna in a desperate attempt to sweat out every bit of fluid so they never ever have to go to the toilet, which (shudder) would require handling their best mates flaccid penis. Eventually though, they adapt, and get quite comfortable with their mates full naked body, including penis, and in a heartwarming finale, sitting side by side, they strip each other naked, pull out each others penis from the pants they are wearing, and use them to eat chocolate chip cookies.